Today was undeniably great. When he sent me home. I was really nervous, but to me it all went well. Not sure about what he thinks though.

An I realised I like him. Not in the I love you kind of way, but enough for a relationship. But sigh, I’m so sad though that he might not feel the same way as me anymore. Why did my feelings kick in so late? Why do I take so long to fall for someone? Look what happens. Now I don’t even know if he still
feels the same way for me. My heart aches though. One sided love is just so hard.

I’m so sad. The way he replied my texts, I could tell he probably didn’t feel the same way. I must have looked like a fool. Now, he’d probably went to sleep without saying goodnight. I feel so stupid, really. So stupid for getting my hopes up. He probably sents countless girls
home too.

I kind of hoped that he would ask me out, but he didn’t. Has he really given up on me? Gosh, I feel so depressed.

Dear god, sometimes when I pray to you at night, there are many things that can’t be placed into speech. Perhaps words are simply the best. I really really hope that he still has feelings for me, and that he hasn’t given up on me yet. I’m really praying hard and begging you god, please please let this be true. Please please don’t let him lose hope or give up on me. Please let him be willing to give a relationship a shot. I don’t know how he found today, but i really
hope that to him, everything turned out alright. Please god, give us a chance to be together. There were so many ups and downs for us, and I just wanted to thank you god, for keep giving us chances. Yet, I really
hope that everything will still turn out alright. Please let him suspect that I like him and let him ask the question. Please god, please let something happen. I really want to have a shot at this. Thank you god, I really hope i’m not too late. Thank you so much god, I’m thanking you from the bottom of my heart, really. Thank you.

Amen. I love you.

And dear god, if it isn’t too much to ask for, could you arrange for
us to me tomorrow?
Let him ask me out. Thank you so much god. Amen.

Well, I guess I’m back already. I think you already know what
I’m gonna rant on. Everything seems to focus on him, for that matter.

I really have no idea if he still feels the sane way for me. Call me desperate or whatever, but I really want to experience the feeling or being loved. Really really. I don’t want to lose him. He’s been the sweetest so far, and I know I’ll be really happy too.

So I guess I’m praying again this time. Praying hard.

Dear god,
I know that I always come to you whenever I have something on my mind. I feel really guilty too though, knowing that what you’re doing for me is something that I cannot reciprocate and that I may sometimes ask too much. I’ll try though, to repay all these in the form of helping others without expecting anything in return. I’ll really try hard to alter my thinking and mindset too. I’ll definitely try. It’s just that I’m really feeling very lonely. There’s so many days when I don’t feel loved at all. I know that around me there’re many awesome friends which I treasure. Yet I can’t seem to find one of the opposite sex. Sigh. They just don’t last.

For this god, I really regret. I really regret not hinting back, not giving him enough hope. I guess in the light of all these, I must have forgotten that he’s human too. There were many ups and downs, yet at all the downs I prayed, and everything managed to turn out alright again. I wanted to thank you god, for giving us another chance. Really. Thanks for hearing me out, thanks for that day. I really thought it was all over between us.

But now, I don’t get his feelings at all. I really don’t enjoy being ignorant and unsure. Not sure if it’s too late for me. Not sure if he still likes me. I really really hope he does though. I don’t know what I’ll do if he has already given up. Sometimes he’s just so sweet, especially that call yesterday, I was still convinced he might like me. But now, I really can’t tell. You have no idea how much I look forward to the word ‘baby’ in his goodnight message, and how disappointed I am when it doesn’t appear. Sigh, please god, I begging you, help me alright? I’m really feelin so sad right now, at the thought that his feelings might have really faded. Please help me god, don’t let that happen alright? Please give us a chance to go out. Fate has been cruel to us so far, and it makes me really sad. I don’t mind being with him, I might even love him. I’m ready god, so please let me have this experience. Help me god, let us be more fated and let everything be alright between us. I really don’t want to continue feeling this insecure for so long anymore. Really really hope that we can be together. And that his feelings for me are the same as last time, if not stronger. Please let me be assured, and well, let him confess to me so that I can let him know how I feel too.

Thank you so much god. Thanks for always being there for me abd helping me in everything. I really deeply and truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Thanks god, I love you. Amen.

I know that I’ve been saying that I’m losing you for the previous few posts, but looks like this time it’s really true.

What you said really made me sad though. The fact that we aren’t fated anymore, the fact that you’re trying to move on an the fact that you didn’t even text me today. I was so sad though, so sad that I couldn’t even concentrate on my work at all. Sigh.

I really wish things didn’t have to turn out this way. Isit too late to force myself to accept you? I wouldn’t mind being with you la I guess. You’re a really nice person, almost perfect to me. And that fact that I don’t love you means that I wouldn’t get hurt if anything happens. I just feel so guilty though. Did I mAke the wrong move?

Sigh. Maybe I should try. All that I want now is for you to reply my text. For you to know that I’ve finally realised.and for me to tell you honestly how I feel about all these. Who knows, I might be able to love you after all.

Dear god, I really hope that we can be given another chance. Please god. I’ll do anything for it. Let us go back to a few days ago, where he still had hope for me. I want to try this out god, I really do. Please god, alright? Please, I’m begging you, give me a chance. I think I made the wrong move, and I really don’t want things to turn out this way. Really. I do not want to lose him. Seriously. Please help me god, I might be able to accept him after all. I really need someone there for me. Help me god, alright? Please. Let today be a better day for us and let everything be alright. Please god. Thank you god. Amen.

Thanks for always being there for me. I’m really grateful for everything you’ve help me with. Please help me this time, alright god? Thank you so much. I love you.

Sigh. Now I know what you’re really like. But it really makes me wonder, how can you even fall for someone so easily? It’s like in a week. I’m really astonished by that fact, and it’s kind of a turn off too, knowin that you actually liked so many girls before.

Ahh. Wonder what this says about you though. I really wonder if you’re even sure about your feelings all along. If what you said is true, how can you even dream of someone else? I’m really confused by you, and that’s what putting me off in the first place, and preventing me from accepting you.

If only you didn’t have the past, if only I was the first. You would have definitely be on my list. But now… Nah. Definitely not.

Sigh. Guess I’m alone once more? I miss m though. He was the only guy who was really frank and honest with me. Honest about his emotions too. Made me feel like I couldt tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. Wish he could text me once more.

Guess I’ll drop you out of my mind then? Shouldn’t be wanting to hold on to you
just so I could feel wanted. It’s so much of selfishness on my part. I’m sorry. You can go. Guess you’re not the one for me. Arghhhh dear god, could I have someone there for me please? I really feel so alone and empty at times. Really wish that there could be someone else. Like b. I appreciate k, I really do. But sigh, I don’t mind getting into a r/s now. Really want the experience and the feeling of being loved. Could you help me arrange something please god? Let someone new come into my life. Someone I don’t mind. I really need that person, really. Thank you so
much god, amen.

And I really really hope indont dream of you tonight. Kind of
regretted what I said. Sigh.

Help me please god? I’m willing to try to open up my heart. Let him satisfy most of my criteria. Cute to me, very sweet and nice, no gf before and not close to girls, the kind that I can tell anything too.

Thanks god. I love you. Amen.

havent been coming here recently, cause i found another medium. But it prevents me from saying all that i want to say.

sigh, guess i’ve lost you? really, now. why do i always make all the wrong decisions? selfishness on my part maybe. but i really wish there was someone there for me all the time. sigh. guess your feelings faded, somehow?

): wont deny that im damn sad though.

really really hope and pray hard that someone else would come along. like you. someone more of my type. thank you god.

Alone. Ahh the old is back.

): I guess it’s over for us? Well, what was I expecting anyway? Best friend status. Don’t make
me laugh. I’m sad though, that there all indeed so many things you just won’t be able to hold on to, no matter how hard you try.

Realised I can only really click with people who share similar ideals and thinking to me. I can hang out and talk with the rest, yet it is often that I have to change myself to suit others, and that I do not want.

Really need to find someone who suits me.

Emo mood back again, can totally feel our messages dwindling. When will be the day where it all stops? Probably the day where you find someone else to care about I guess. Didn’t know if I was disturbing you, or you simply felt obligated to reply. I realised I really don’t know anything about you. Yet I glad I’ve moved on though, no longer checking my phone abd replying you immediately. No more reading my sent messages to see if i’ve said something inappropriate.

I’m sad though, in a selfish way. For the past week while I was studying, it was actually you who pulled me through, who brought a smile to my face everyday in the face of pure torture, to have someone to talk to, who makes you feel happy about yourself and feel loved, I really miss that. And now, I just feel so alone. An empty shell. What I’m studying is for others, not to disappoint, not to let all the time, effort and money go down the drain. No longer is this for myself. Maybe that’s why I lack the motivation though.

Feel kind of depressed. Perhaps I really need someone to get me through all these.

Witnesses the release of a level results today. Can imagine in a year’s time, I would be siting down there. But that would also mean that I’ve already gotten through the damn a levels. It sort of comforts me that I’m not alone in this, that there are always other routes no matter what.

Have a sudden urge to cry though. Sad that I just can’t manage to hold on to people, just keep pushing them away. Sad that I’m probably losing you, the person who is keeping me sane and encouraging me through all these.

Kind of wanting to transfer out. Why put myself through all these hardships? Yet it’s a path in life which everyone must go through. And I have my friends. That’s probably one of the most
important elements in all these. My motivation. Why give up when they haven’t?
I’ll pull through and come out victorious, I hope.

First hurdle, common test. Left really alot more. Haven’t practised anything and haven’t started econs. Damn. Really afraid I’m screwing up my life here ): hope my results won’t suck too badly and really hope I’ll pass everything.

Scared. Apprehensive. Worried.

Looks like without support from him, I’m really losing myself, once again. Feel like curling up
into a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Not that panicky yet though. Reality has yet to sink in. Looks like I’ve mastered the art of blocking things out, somehow.

Overall, I really wish that there would be someone there for me.

Dear god,

firstly, I think I would prefer to pray in words. At night my thoughts come in jumbles, and I’m just so tired everything doesn’t make sense anymore.

I would really like to thank you for everything you’ve given me. I know sometimes I’ve been a really horrible person, doing things like lying, not appreciating someone, betrayal and everything else. All those I really regret, and I’m really
trying to change for the better and I shall try my best. Just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve provided me with, food, shelter, parents, sufficient money, and the best friends I could ever ask for. I’m satisfied in a way, I guess.

But right now. I’m feeling really alone. Souless, empty. I would like to thank you for letting him appear in my life. Seriously, it’s been so long since I felt wanted and the past one month, I was happy. I appreciated that. However, i guess everything just happened too fast. And now things are going wrong. I wish I could salvage the situation by turning back time, but sadly I can’t. And things always happen for a reason, don’t they? Yet god, I’m really feeling so alone now. I know I may sound desperate, but a part of me really wants to be filled again. My heart just feels so empty.

I really wish deeply that another guy would enter my life really soon. Very soon in fact. A guy that cares for me with a depth much more than him, loves me for who I am, and I love him too. Satisfies most of my requirement. Let us start from being really good friends to something more. I really need that support from someone special. Just let it be normal, alright? I know this might be abut too much to ask, but god, I’m really alone and I want to be
loved. I need that sort of happiness in my life again. Really.

Thank you god. Please
bless me for my common tests next week. Thank you for always staying by my side. I love you.

Amen.

Hmm, guess it’s sort of over? Thought through this yesterday night through a haze of migraines and exhaustion. It is almost imposssiblr for me to reciprocate unless I’m desperate or something. And I shall not be desperate, cause this year is a really crucial one, and I don’t want to regret.

Makes me doubt the depth of your feelings though, it’s so darn superficial, I wonder if you even realised that at all? Don’t even know if we can communicate on a real life basis, don’t know if we can clique. I really would like to start out as best friends first though.

Sigh, life is kind of hard in this aspect isn’t it? It depends so much on the type of people you encounter during this journey. I’m sad though, and disappointed that over and over again, what I have thought was the right person just came out so wrong.

Will it ever meet the one soon? I really wish I will, very very soon. Feeling unloved over again, I’ve been trying to lock this feeling up, but it’s really hard sometimes, you know?

Top things I’m looking for in a guy:
1) must be mature to a certain aspect. Sure of his feelings, not like that person, who liked me after what, one week plus? I would prefer us to start of as friends and progress to something more.

2) not emotionally manipulative. So describes all the guys which I have encountered. They control your emotions throughout. When they’re upset at you, they’ll be super cold to you and everything. Makes you feel so guilty and sad the whole day, makes you feel as though you have done sth wrong when maybe you haven’t, affects everything you do too. Then when they’re not angry at you they treat you really nicely. Bastards. I want someone who isn’t like that.

3) makes me feel secure. Prefably without any previous relationships before, I’m someone who tends to get jealous and possessive really easily, and I really need security In a relationship. Hopefully I can be sure he loves me, such that when he talks to girls I won’t feel jealous.

4) easygoing, understanding patient and sweet with a sense of humour. The normal characterisitcs I guess? Sweet is a must though, makes you feel loved. I need someone who isn’t afraid of saying I love you. Someone who sacrifices everything for me, talks to me everyday, would come down If I need anything, support me in everything I do, provide good advice, love me for my unglam moments and ugliest times, don’t complain or anything, pampers me and loves me.

Sigh. High expectations? Nah, just what you’re missing. Oh, I hate enthu guys too.

On the other hand, didn’t go school today too. Another reason why I find it hard to reciprocate. I just can’t be myself when I talk to you. I don’t dare to let you know I’m not in sch again, just… Can’t be myself or at ease. I would like someone who is flexible, non conformist too.

Common tests. Sigh. In three days time. Only sort of completed maths, left quite a bit for chem and phyiscs. Haven’t started econs at all. One word? Dead.

Afraid that I’ll screw up really badly this time round. Praying hard that I won’t fail. Hopefuly after this, I would force myself to have the drive to study harder.

Can’t practice any past year papers too, don’t have the time for that at all):

Really hope I’ll pass everything. As to how high I get? Not that
important anymore. Yes, it’s that bad.

Off to study before heading back to sch for econs.

Almost collapsed of exhaustion ystd, killer headache and dizziness, could have sworn i was on the verge of fainting.

Yet somehow deep in my heart, I wished we could be back to where we were before. I really miss the feeling of being happy and loved ):

dear god, give me strength, alright? Thank you. Amen.

Sigh. I’m so sad right now. It’s like everything’s been going wrong, everything. Feels like what we had from the start was never apparent, feels like nothing even happened.

Sigh. I wished I’d stayed behind, karma, is that what this is?

Now it’s so weird to talk to you, and I don’t know what exactly you’re feeling. Are you angry at me, or just sad that, as you put it, we aren’t fated after all?

Fate. Sigh. It’s so darn cruel.

I don’t know what to do now though. You just can’t write off sth, write off this one month. I really hope deep down from the bottom of my heart that you’ll text me something normal, please. Dear god, please help me in this. Let us go back to what we were before. I really want it to be that way. Sigh. Thank you god. Amen.

Sad how so many things are actually standing in our way. I miss you though, an really don’t like the way you’re testing me now.

): maybe I should just write this off? Just a potential person in my life? Makes me sad though. Cause before that I actually felt that I might be able to reciprocate in the future.

I just wish things would turn back to normal. Wish I could turn back time.

This is really gonna affect my studies ): you were the reason why I felt happy, why I didn’t breakdown this time. And now, everything might actually change. Do you want that? Sigh.

I don’t dare reply you though, not sure you would want to talk to me.

I’m afraid that there might be more clashes in the future. I guess you’re just not the one, maybe?

Shall go clear my inbox that person doesn’t send anything when I wake up. No idea what I’m holding on too.

I’m glad that god gave me a chance to experience this though. I just wished he gave me a chance to let this continue.

I feel so stupid, really.

Kill me please.I wouldn’t mind.

You’d probably give up. Won’t you? ):

sigh. Please bless me. Thank you.

Well, just received the news about the team yesterday. Much as I expected it, I can’t say I ain’t disappointed. I mean, with my attendance abd everything, what was I really expecting? Sigh, now I don’t even know if I’m still in the damn cca or not. My future is really kind of bleak.

I must say I’m really jealous of her though, in this arena. Should I have worked harder, came more often, even though it made me dread trainings? Honestly, I don’t know. I know this may sound really bad, but a part of me wishes that they’ll fail, they won’t be able to make it and everything.

Sigh. I guess I’m just jealous.

Common test in less than a week, and I have absolutely no idea why I’m not stressed out at all, as opposed to normally. I guess I’m happier these days? Hell, this might not be even working out. I’m so not stressed out till I don’t even have the motivation or drive to study. I’m averaging super little chapters a day, sigh. Wonder what’s happening to me, cause I should be panicking right now.

I’m afraid that this time I won’t do as well as I expect myself to do though. Look at the state of
me right now. But what I’m actually more concerned about is what people will think of me. She was right, I’m actually working hard and studying hard to live up to other people’s standards, which they also base
on me, an not for myself. That really isn’t a good thing, I don’t need this added burden to prove myself to others. Sigh.

Have I become happier and more relaxed? Is he the cause of it all? I strongly suspect so. Every since we started testing each day and night, I have definitely smiled more. Happier, too. Feels great to be loved.

Yet, it is kind of a distraction too. Urgh. I think god answered my prayers though. I kind of remembered asking him to grant me someone, who’ll fall for me. And what can I say, the way he treats me is really close to what I’ve always envisioned. Gives you that happy squirmy feeling deep inside.

On the other hand, it saddens me to think that I might not be able to reciprocate after all. The day that he lets me know, if he ever does, is probably one that I really would be clueless. Deep down, I know that I’m not ready to get myself in the middle of all this. Yet, to see someone try so hard, and reject the person, it’s harsh, isn’t it? I’m afraid I might actually say yes after all. Gosh. All of you know that I can’t say no.

But definitely not in the near future. Yet. I admit I’m kind of scared though, since giving your heart to someone provides that person will a chance to break your heart too. And what I’m afraid of is probably that. I don’t know what love feels like, I admit I do have a good impression on you, but it doesn’t border on love anywhere yet. Moreover, this year is a crucial
one, and I really want to minimize as many distractions as possible.

Will he wait? Is he willing to? Will his feelings last that long?

I’m afraid that if I say no, I’ll lose everything. Yet you can argue that this might be the test of sincerity after all, a test of the depth of his feelings, make sure that it ain’t just superficial and I’m not just some other girl.

When he says those stuff to me though, I can’t help
but think about all his previous girls. Why did he break up with them so fast? And the most important question, if he’d liked me so easily, would he forget me as easily as well? I’m someone who treasures such relationships, and the thought of giving my heart to someone who doesn’t treasure it enough definitely does scare me.

Ohwell. After all, life is about risks, isn’t it? Whether you choose to take a step forward, whether you say yes or no, it brings you to a different route, one of experiences, happiness and pain. Yet this begs the question once again, is the end the same for all paths taken?

Finished reading handle with care by Jodi picoult. Woah, what’s with me and books with a sad ending nowadays. Makes me feel emo the whole day. It was awesome though, she never fails to amaze me. The last part was unexpected, yet the way she utilized the recipe and the way we could find out about the perspectives of the different characters, well, makes her my favourite author of all times. She’s just so talented. Books, what would I do without them? They mature you, cause you to think about the daily workings of us humans, allow you to reflect, brings up a torrent of emotions that you feel or each character, throws you into the storylibe entirely. Ahhh, maybe I’ve found a passion after all?

Sigh. Back to studying. Hope to finish up the first part of ionic equilibrium tonight then it’s dream time. Followed by another day’s hard work. Hope it’s a productive one.

Now, in really scared though. Can’t seem to stop myself from thinking too much. I’m afraid that I would flunk like, well everything. Afraid that I would just sit there and write nothing. Afraid that I would disappoint myself and those who believed in me.

On another note, I’m kind of afraid to go out with you though. I can communicate well it words, yet in afraid that I might not be the person who you pictured me to be, and you might just
forget me after all. Sigh, i shall pray hard that that your impression of me would be even better after we go out. Really
hope I don’t do anything stupid though.

Alright, I can feel tiredness approaching. Study time. Wish me luck, and bless me alright god? Give me strength, I think that and courage is what i really need.

Omg this is so ironic. I really feel like laughing la-.- gosh. I didn’t dare to let the person know that I know though, sigh. No choice but to act really blur and dense, when actually I’m a much more perceptive person. Wonder if that person will ever know the truth in the end?

I’m kind of afraid he’ll lose the drive though, and give up altogether. Ohwell, I guess this is a test of faith and fate. Life is so cruel sometimes, ain’t it?

If that person still continues to feel the same way even after my a levels, yeah I’ll definitely tell him what he wants to hear. But if he doesn’t, well means what he felt was probably fleeting and I didn’t matter much anyway.

Makes me sad though. On another note, I really really hope that I won’t feel anything. Perhaps now is the time to block out my heart. It’ll be bad, really bad if that ever happens.

Sigh. I wish things could have turned out a different way. But what is life without it’s difficulties abd challenges?

Barriers are really there to see how much we want something.

I’m kind of happy though, to be loved and everything (: finally, something concrete. Thank you god, even if it had to be this way.