Hmm, guess it’s sort of over? Thought through this yesterday night through a haze of migraines and exhaustion. It is almost imposssiblr for me to reciprocate unless I’m desperate or something. And I shall not be desperate, cause this year is a really crucial one, and I don’t want to regret.

Makes me doubt the depth of your feelings though, it’s so darn superficial, I wonder if you even realised that at all? Don’t even know if we can communicate on a real life basis, don’t know if we can clique. I really would like to start out as best friends first though.

Sigh, life is kind of hard in this aspect isn’t it? It depends so much on the type of people you encounter during this journey. I’m sad though, and disappointed that over and over again, what I have thought was the right person just came out so wrong.

Will it ever meet the one soon? I really wish I will, very very soon. Feeling unloved over again, I’ve been trying to lock this feeling up, but it’s really hard sometimes, you know?

Top things I’m looking for in a guy:
1) must be mature to a certain aspect. Sure of his feelings, not like that person, who liked me after what, one week plus? I would prefer us to start of as friends and progress to something more.

2) not emotionally manipulative. So describes all the guys which I have encountered. They control your emotions throughout. When they’re upset at you, they’ll be super cold to you and everything. Makes you feel so guilty and sad the whole day, makes you feel as though you have done sth wrong when maybe you haven’t, affects everything you do too. Then when they’re not angry at you they treat you really nicely. Bastards. I want someone who isn’t like that.

3) makes me feel secure. Prefably without any previous relationships before, I’m someone who tends to get jealous and possessive really easily, and I really need security In a relationship. Hopefully I can be sure he loves me, such that when he talks to girls I won’t feel jealous.

4) easygoing, understanding patient and sweet with a sense of humour. The normal characterisitcs I guess? Sweet is a must though, makes you feel loved. I need someone who isn’t afraid of saying I love you. Someone who sacrifices everything for me, talks to me everyday, would come down If I need anything, support me in everything I do, provide good advice, love me for my unglam moments and ugliest times, don’t complain or anything, pampers me and loves me.

Sigh. High expectations? Nah, just what you’re missing. Oh, I hate enthu guys too.

On the other hand, didn’t go school today too. Another reason why I find it hard to reciprocate. I just can’t be myself when I talk to you. I don’t dare to let you know I’m not in sch again, just… Can’t be myself or at ease. I would like someone who is flexible, non conformist too.

Common tests. Sigh. In three days time. Only sort of completed maths, left quite a bit for chem and phyiscs. Haven’t started econs at all. One word? Dead.

Afraid that I’ll screw up really badly this time round. Praying hard that I won’t fail. Hopefuly after this, I would force myself to have the drive to study harder.

Can’t practice any past year papers too, don’t have the time for that at all):

Really hope I’ll pass everything. As to how high I get? Not that
important anymore. Yes, it’s that bad.

Off to study before heading back to sch for econs.

Almost collapsed of exhaustion ystd, killer headache and dizziness, could have sworn i was on the verge of fainting.

Yet somehow deep in my heart, I wished we could be back to where we were before. I really miss the feeling of being happy and loved ):

dear god, give me strength, alright? Thank you. Amen.