Alone. Ahh the old is back.

): I guess it’s over for us? Well, what was I expecting anyway? Best friend status. Don’t make
me laugh. I’m sad though, that there all indeed so many things you just won’t be able to hold on to, no matter how hard you try.

Realised I can only really click with people who share similar ideals and thinking to me. I can hang out and talk with the rest, yet it is often that I have to change myself to suit others, and that I do not want.

Really need to find someone who suits me.

Emo mood back again, can totally feel our messages dwindling. When will be the day where it all stops? Probably the day where you find someone else to care about I guess. Didn’t know if I was disturbing you, or you simply felt obligated to reply. I realised I really don’t know anything about you. Yet I glad I’ve moved on though, no longer checking my phone abd replying you immediately. No more reading my sent messages to see if i’ve said something inappropriate.

I’m sad though, in a selfish way. For the past week while I was studying, it was actually you who pulled me through, who brought a smile to my face everyday in the face of pure torture, to have someone to talk to, who makes you feel happy about yourself and feel loved, I really miss that. And now, I just feel so alone. An empty shell. What I’m studying is for others, not to disappoint, not to let all the time, effort and money go down the drain. No longer is this for myself. Maybe that’s why I lack the motivation though.

Feel kind of depressed. Perhaps I really need someone to get me through all these.

Witnesses the release of a level results today. Can imagine in a year’s time, I would be siting down there. But that would also mean that I’ve already gotten through the damn a levels. It sort of comforts me that I’m not alone in this, that there are always other routes no matter what.

Have a sudden urge to cry though. Sad that I just can’t manage to hold on to people, just keep pushing them away. Sad that I’m probably losing you, the person who is keeping me sane and encouraging me through all these.

Kind of wanting to transfer out. Why put myself through all these hardships? Yet it’s a path in life which everyone must go through. And I have my friends. That’s probably one of the most
important elements in all these. My motivation. Why give up when they haven’t?
I’ll pull through and come out victorious, I hope.

First hurdle, common test. Left really alot more. Haven’t practised anything and haven’t started econs. Damn. Really afraid I’m screwing up my life here ): hope my results won’t suck too badly and really hope I’ll pass everything.

Scared. Apprehensive. Worried.

Looks like without support from him, I’m really losing myself, once again. Feel like curling up
into a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Not that panicky yet though. Reality has yet to sink in. Looks like I’ve mastered the art of blocking things out, somehow.

Overall, I really wish that there would be someone there for me.

Dear god,

firstly, I think I would prefer to pray in words. At night my thoughts come in jumbles, and I’m just so tired everything doesn’t make sense anymore.

I would really like to thank you for everything you’ve given me. I know sometimes I’ve been a really horrible person, doing things like lying, not appreciating someone, betrayal and everything else. All those I really regret, and I’m really
trying to change for the better and I shall try my best. Just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve provided me with, food, shelter, parents, sufficient money, and the best friends I could ever ask for. I’m satisfied in a way, I guess.

But right now. I’m feeling really alone. Souless, empty. I would like to thank you for letting him appear in my life. Seriously, it’s been so long since I felt wanted and the past one month, I was happy. I appreciated that. However, i guess everything just happened too fast. And now things are going wrong. I wish I could salvage the situation by turning back time, but sadly I can’t. And things always happen for a reason, don’t they? Yet god, I’m really feeling so alone now. I know I may sound desperate, but a part of me really wants to be filled again. My heart just feels so empty.

I really wish deeply that another guy would enter my life really soon. Very soon in fact. A guy that cares for me with a depth much more than him, loves me for who I am, and I love him too. Satisfies most of my requirement. Let us start from being really good friends to something more. I really need that support from someone special. Just let it be normal, alright? I know this might be abut too much to ask, but god, I’m really alone and I want to be
loved. I need that sort of happiness in my life again. Really.

Thank you god. Please
bless me for my common tests next week. Thank you for always staying by my side. I love you.

Amen.